When your past affects your future…
So I have probably said in my older blogs that I refuse to let what has happened to me affect the person I am. It turns out that’s easier said than done. I was always an incredibly trusting person but it turns out that having that trust irrevocably smashed into smithereens can actually affect the person you are! Who knew?!
I always said I wouldn’t become a mistrusting person but it turns out, that in some situations, I now am. I’m finding it really hard to put my trust in people. I feel like the only man I can now trust implicitly is my dad. I really want to be able to go with the flow but it’s so difficult putting your heart out there which is still so delicate, to potentially be broken again. You can never guarantee that someone won’t break your heart, I never would’ve said in a million years that my ex would’ve done that, so how do you trust again? I feel so vulnerable. Over the last few months I’ve had my trust broken yet again by friends and I just feel like I need to be in a cocoon of safety with my family who are the only people I know for certain will always have my back. I feel like I now purposefully push people away as a self preservation mechanism. I’ve stopped talking to people about how I feel. At the first sign of any caginess I become wary and put the barriers up. Is this normal? My life is still so up in the air that I feel like I can’t get over what has happened to me until there is some official closure. Divorce, moving house, finances done and dusted etc. I feel a bit like a shell. I start to see glimmers of me coming back and being the happy old me again but then the smallest thing will happen and I’m straight back there again. It feels like it has changed me irreparably, and maybe that is to be expected, but I can’t let it ruin me or break me forever. I feel like I’m fighting a massive uphill battle. Like I’m constantly looking for a mistrustful trait in everyone I come across.
I’ve even started doubting the homeless man called Paul in Stockport who I’ve been buying food for for years! The guy could be a sodding millionaire with a mansion for all I know and I’m giving the dude my last 3 quid for his favourite broccoli and Stilton soup!! 😂
I’m sure it’s probably just a bad week and that’s why I feel like this. My kids are away at the moment and I still haven’t got used to that in the slightest. I still hate it, still cry every time I wave them goodbye. It’s such an unnatural feeling seeing your babies off for 9 days when it’s your job to protect them and look after them. I’m sure it’ll get easier with time but it’s hard to see that in the fog of sadness.
I’m not sure if I’ll publish this blog yet. It’s a difficult one. I know people will give me support but at the same time I know it really upsets my mum reading stuff like this. However it also tends to make another person in a similar situation think ‘Yes! That’s exactly how I feel and it’s fucking awful’ and theres nothing better than a bit of solidarity from someone who knows first hand what you’re going through.
I’m okay though, I’m generally in fairly good spirits. But it’s hard to hide away from the tough times. It’s almost a year now from when all of this kickstarted and I’m a world away from how I was feeling then. Focus on the positives and all that!
I’m babbling now.
Love to all as always,
PS Come and buy some of my amazing maternity and nursing clothes to cheer me up and keep me busy so I can’t over think things!! Shop here Xx